The last week or so has been so incredibly challenging for me, I’ve been pushed to my absolute limits, exhausted physically and mentally drained completely - the joys of a startup founder eh?
So I took on this project back in Feb 2014 for an estate agency and it wasn’t a small job by any means at all - I got screwed over by a developer that ran away with £400 of the money I paid him to complete some of the project and spent a month legally battling for the money back through Visa, eventually I had to take it to the Chief Exec of RBS and only then was my money returned along with an extra £100 in compensation for this situation and a number of other issues I faced with Natwest screwing me over. This essentially delayed the project by quite some time as it was only until another month did I find another developer that was able to take this on. Fast forward a few months and now my startup has taken up all my resources and energy, the clients aren’t happy that I’m not dedicating my time to the project but there’s nothing I can do about it - nevertheless the project is complete with a few small bits and bobs missing (basic social media integration into the site) - I was threatened by them, “return £950 or finish the work” - I’m not sure where the £950 figure came from at all, but its put me under huge pressure since they already wanted a lot of stuff that I didn’t charge them for and now they’re screwing me over. So now I’m having to spend a lot of my money that I’m using in the USA to complete these extra tasks which weren’t even paid for.
On top of that I didn’t freaking pass my math exam in Uni, I knew I didn’t, I knew the answers to the questions but I don’t know why, math makes me nervous, I feel into a complete panic attack in the exam and I didn’t answer ANY questions at all - merely opting to get out the exam hall as soon as possible - I knew it was a fuck up. I was so worried that I spent until 3AM that night revising and then waking up at 5:30, only to revise more. I messed up, I know. Nevertheless the resit for that particular exam in August, I got a first in all my other modules except this. I’ve already booked my flights, accommodation and signed agreements to go to San Francisco in August so its impossible for me to attend that resit. Now I also signed a contract with a student lettings company with a few other friends and now of course I can’t go back to Uni unless I resit that exam - the next resit date is in August 2015, now I can’t go back to Uni for an entire year now so I’ll have to focus on Socialite. The problem is the contract with the house has no break clauses, I can’t get out the tenancy even if I’m not staying there and I’m liable to pay for the entire £5k+ of rent for the year unless I find a replacement tenant, for which there has been no interest for a while now at all. They’ve asked me to lawyer up as they’re “99% sure” they’ll end up taking me to court, and if they do, and I can’t pay (Which I can’t) my credit rating is fucked, I get blacklisted, CCJs and all, its screwed up - my life is essentially screwed before its even started all because of a fucking contract. I’m in constant worry about this - I can’t sleep at night, I’ve lost my appetite in the last few months and I’ve lost a shit tonne of weight, a belt that fitted me perfectly a few months ago now cannot even keep my trousers up, I find myself lifting them up constantly every 10 minutes or so. So yes, I’m screwed on that end, if I don’t find a replacement tenant by September - Hello Court! Goodbye Life.
Even worse, I’m flying to San Francisco this week - I’m going to feel completely isolated out there with my CO, I’ll miss my girlfriend a lot, I’ve not gone more than 2 weeks without seeing her since I’ve known her and it’s going to be seriously tough. I won’t have any friends out there, no one, I’m almost on my own with my CO, I can’t imagine how it must be for him, he has a wife and two lovely children. I feel horrid for taking him away from them but if it means we go there and his children can live a better life in the future that is the only motivation I need to go out there. I’ve been working until 3/4am everyday pretty much and waking up at 8am, I’m so drained I can feel it, I came back home today and every task seemed like an absolute mission to undertake, I’m completely exhausted and I just need a break - but I love what I do too much to ever leave it, even away from work I won’t be able to not reply to emails or do some form of work at least. Every minute during the day that goes by when I’m not doing work is a minute of failure for me. I really do need a few days off where I can relax, not have to worry about anything, not have to panic about anything. You know? That feeling would just be everything to me right now. I haven’t been able to do many normal things in a while now, I can’t remember the last time I even watched a film it seems like ages ago. I’m so broke I can’t even remember ever being this broke, there’s days where I literally have a few pence to my name and I somehow get by, usually skipping meals during the day at work sometimes, days where I can afford to have lunch are a blessing to me - this isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation - I’ve been there before and I can do it again, I’m not complaining but merely stating my situation. It all leads up to the single point where I HAVE to get investment for Socialite. I literally have no choice, everything screws up for me if I don’t. Its hard writing this right now because I honestly am scared about what is going to happen to me, but I have no choice, I have to pull this off in any way I can. I’ll try my best, I’ll work and work and work more until I pull it off even if it means living broke, jeopardising my health and being stressed almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Its funny, the feeling of giving up hasn’t hit me… yet, I don’t think it will, I’m far too driven with this and I can see no way out. I can’t describe the emotion of just feeling completely helpless with no way out. I hope I pull it off. Only time will tell.